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some of the posts I see in single parent groups about dating disgust me.

Besides being a single parent myself, a big part of my work is keeping up with the issues that affect single parents. Therefore, I scroll through related Facebook groups a lot.

First, let me acknowledge that most people are lovely. This post doesn’t represent the majority of single parents in these groups.

That being said, there are a few recurring themes I notice around dating that disturb me.

So, for today’s sarcasm-sprinkled rant, here are four dating rules that should be obvious. If we all adhere to them, we’ll make dating better for ourselves and everyone else.

1-Use recent pictures that are representative of what you look like in real life.

This is one of the most common complaints I see, and rightfully so.

People often look different in pictures than in real life. While dating, try to choose pictures that most represent what your date will see. I even post no-makeup pics. Then, you’ll end up on dates with people who want to meet YOU, not the imaginary person they thought you were.

It makes sense to show pictures of you looking your best, but keep in mind that dishonesty rubs people the wrong way. If your date sees you in real life and you’re 10 years older or look like a completely different person without the filter, they have every right to be annoyed. No, they’re not being shallow. You’re being manipulative.

2-Know what you want and state it clearly as soon as possible (and appropriate).

Being clear on what you want takes some soul searching. It’s easy to default to what we think we are SUPPOSED to want, instead of what we actually want in the depths of our hearts.

Thankfully, today there are communities and apps to support pretty much anything you desire. So can you let go of the “supposed to”s and let your internal compass point you toward what you really want?

Once you have clarity, share it as soon as possible. Put it in your dating profile. Chat about it before you meet.

Of course, disclose what is appropriate for the stage you’re at. I’m not saying to share your bedroom needs in your first message or state in your dating profile that you want someone who will make babies with you (though there are apps on which both of those things are encouraged if that’s what you want).

3-When someone is honest with you about what they want, thank them.

I hate seeing posts bashing people who want a no strings attached hookup, or who only want to meet someone who’s looking for marriage.

People have the right to want whatever they want, and to look for people whose desires are compatible. When they’re upfront and honest about it, don’t judge them for it. Thank them for their openness and be honest about whether or not you want the same thing. If we all do this, it will be much easier to find people who are a good fit.

4-Don’t blame the other person for incompatibilities.

Sometimes, a person is out of line. I get it.

But often I see people bashing their dates for not being the person of their dreams.

“He’s too clingy.”

“She talks too much.”

“He can’t hold a conversation.”

“She chewed with her mouth open.”

No, you’re incompatible. That’s it. They’re not “too” anything. They’re just not right for you. You don’t have to be a jerk about it.

Why not take responsibility for your own preferences?

“I need someone who enjoys giving me more space.”

“I want someone who stimulates me with interesting conversation.”

You get the idea. It’s easy.

Bonus: You’ll be a less toxic person!

In conclusion, if we don’t want the dating pool to be 💩, we have to stop 💩ing in it 😜

Which of these has caused you the most grief?

———————————-
𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸, 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘺 – 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺.

𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 4 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵. 𝘐𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥, 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦. 𝘋𝘔 “Stopped by Nothing” 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘺. ✅

Here’s one of my high-profile programs, feel free to check it out and then DM me about it!

Single Mom Fit to Thrive 30-Day Challenge.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

But if you did believe you could do it, what would you do?

“It” is that thing you fantasize about. “It” is technically possible but feels impossible.

So I ask again if you did believe you could do it, what would you do?

There are two main possibilities.

1. When you think through all of the details of what it would take to actually do it, you realize you don’t really want to. You just enjoy the fantasy, romanticized version of it in your head. You realize that you are actually on the right path for yourself, and this realization fills you with gratitude.
2. You realize that if you actually believed you could do it, you would be taking steps to get it done.

This second possibility is the biggest reason people say that you won’t succeed if you don’t believe in yourself. If you believe you’re going to fail, why waste the time and energy? If you don’t believe in yourself, you probably won’t take action, and therefore not achieving “it” will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

However, let’s say you’re on board. You recognize that you have to believe in yourself. But you can’t bring yourself to actually feel confident in yourself. Maybe you’ve failed too many times in the past. Maybe you have other people telling you it’s too much of a long shot. In any case, you know it’s technically possible, but you don’t believe it will actually happen.

That’s ok! Simply go back to the question: “If you did believe it was possible, what would you do?”

And then do that.

Find out what others did to accomplish “it”.

Read autobiographies of those who were successful. Watch their interviews.

Figure out an action plan that you actually believe would get someone to that goal. Not you – just someone. Maybe, someone, you do believe in.

Then, follow that plan. It’s ok if you still don’t believe it will work, as long as you fake it. And fake it well. Imagine you are an actor in a play, and your character is whoever you think would absolutely crush this goal. Any time you’re executing the plan, do what they would do. Talk about how they would talk. Adopt their confident body language.

What would this person do when they faced setbacks? Would they see it as proof that “it” will never happen for them, or as a learning opportunity?

With enough practice, you’ll find that you start to actually become that person. You see the success of your efforts. Not always. Everyone fails sometimes. But you’ll also succeed sometimes.

As the evidence piles up, you’ll start to believe that maybe, just maybe, you actually can do it.

And maybe, in the end, you actually do. But even if not, you accomplish and grow so much more than you would have if you never had the courage to fake it.

———————————-
𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸, 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘺 – 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺.

𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 4 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵. 𝘐𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥, 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦. 𝘋𝘔 “Stopped by Nothing” 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘺. ✅

Here’s one of my high-profile programs, feel free to check it out and then DM me about it!

Single Mom Fit to Thrive 30-Day Challenge.

Some of the posts I see in single parent groups about dating disgust me.

Besides being a single parent myself, a big part of my work is keeping up with the issues that affect single parents. Therefore, I scroll through related Facebook groups a lot.

First, let me acknowledge that most people are lovely. This post doesn’t represent the majority of single parents in these groups.

That being said, there are a few recurring themes I notice around dating that disturb me.

So, for today’s sarcasm-sprinkled rant, here are four dating rules that should be obvious. If we all adhere to them, we’ll make dating better for ourselves and everyone else.

1-Use recent pictures that are representative of what you look like in real life.

This is one of the most common complaints I see, and rightfully so.

People often look different in pictures than in real life. Try to choose pictures that most represent what your date will see. I even post no-makeup pics. Then, you’ll end up on dates with people who want to meet YOU, not the imaginary person they thought you were.

It makes sense to show pictures of you looking your best, but keep in mind that dishonesty rubs people the wrong way. If your date sees you in real life and you’re 10 years older or look like a completely different person without the filter, they have every right to be annoyed. No, they’re not being shallow. You’re being manipulative.

2-Know what you want and state it clearly as soon as possible (and appropriate).

Being clear on what you want takes some soul searching. It’s easy to default to what we think we are SUPPOSED to want, instead of what we actually want in the depths of our hearts.

Thankfully, today there are communities and apps to support pretty much anything you desire. So can you let go of the “supposed to”s and let your internal compass point you toward what you really want?

Once you have clarity, share it as soon as possible. Put it in your dating profile. Chat about it before you meet.

Of course, disclose what is appropriate for the stage you’re at. I’m not saying to share your bedroom needs in your first message or state in your dating profile that you want someone who will make babies with you (though there are apps on which both of those things are encouraged if that’s what you want).

3-When someone is honest with you about what they want, thank them.

I hate seeing posts bashing people who want a no strings attached hookup, or who only want to meet someone who’s looking for marriage.

People have the right to want whatever they want, and to look for people whose desires are compatible. When they’re upfront and honest about it, don’t judge them for it. Thank them for their openness and be honest about whether or not you want the same thing. If we all do this, it will be much easier to find people who are a good fit.

4-Don’t blame the other person for incompatibilities.

Sometimes, a person is out of line. I get it.

But often I see people bashing their dates for not being the person of their dreams.

“He’s too clingy.”

“She talks too much.”

“He can’t hold a conversation.”

“She chewed with her mouth open.”

No, you’re incompatible. That’s it. They’re not “too” anything. They’re just not right for you. You don’t have to be a jerk about it.

Why not take responsibility for your own preferences?

“I need someone who enjoys giving me more space.”

“I want someone who stimulates me with interesting conversation.”

You get the idea. It’s easy.

Bonus: You’ll be a less toxic person!

In conclusion, if we don’t want the dating pool to be 💩, we have to stop 💩ing in it 😜

Which of these has caused you the most grief?

———————————-
𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸, 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘺 – 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺.

𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 4 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵. 𝘐𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥, 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦. 𝘋𝘔 “Stopped by Nothing” 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘺. ✅

Here’s one of my high-profile programs, feel free to check it out and then DM me about it!

Single Mom Fit to Thrive 30-Day Challenge.

Working with single parents, I hear a lot about dating.

It’s one of the top sore spots for many people, especially single parents.

It doesn’t have to be.

I’ve learned from my own experience and from colleagues who specialize in relationships and dating that there are many ways in which we often sabotage ourselves. Here are five of the top ways you could be making your dating life miserable.

𝟏. 𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 “𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞”, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐠𝐥𝐲 𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭.

It’s called “the one” for a reason: True compatibility is rare. Not so rare that you can’t find someone, but rare enough that it will usually take many attempts before you find them.

People who enjoy dating appreciate the connections they make along the way to finding the one if that’s what they’re seeking.

Most of the time a connection won’t last past the first few dates.

Even when it does turn into something, it usually won’t last more than a few months. And keep in mind, most people have at least a few relationships that end before finding their soulmate.

This doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or with them. It simply means that it isn’t the right match.

In fact, getting into the habit of seeing it this way can help us eliminate our own toxic tendencies that prevent us from attracting quality people.

When something doesn’t work out it can be tempting to make the other person “wrong”. They’re too this, not enough that, a narcissist, bipolar, you name it. Sometimes a situation really is unhealthy, but other times it’s simply not the right fit.

You have every right not to want someone for any reason under the sun, but the exact thing that turns you off could make them the perfect match for someone else. If you want to be the type of person who attracts a healthy relationship, unless it’s something egregious, appreciate the unique person in front of you, even if they’re not the right match.

On the other hand, don’t blame yourself either.

Statistically, most people won’t work out. It’s not because you’re not good enough, or not worthy of love, or too old, or unattractive, or anything else your monkey mind can come up with.

If there’s a pattern of the same situation happening over and over again, do your inner work and seek help if it’s available to you. We all have inner work to do. Thankfully, we don’t have to reach enlightenment to find love.

When something doesn’t work out, recognize that it happens, and be thankful that you are now freed up to find someone who IS right for you.

𝟐. 𝐇𝐢𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬.

If you have kids, or you’re poly, or you only have sex in marriage, you know those are deal breakers for some people. Whatever yours are, make them clear from the beginning, even in your dating profile. Then people who don’t want that will swipe the other way, and you’ll never have to deal with their rejection. Even better, you’ll attract people who actually WANT that thing.

So many people don’t want to date a mom. Yet, I’ve only been rejected for that reason a couple of times. I always have a picture of Eric in my profile, even if it’s me hugging him and his face isn’t visible. Early on I casually mention him when we start chatting. The guys I end up chatting with extensively or meeting in person don’t care that I have a kid. Several have told me that seeing me as a mom made them like me MORE because they want someone like that as the mother of their own kids.

𝟑. 𝐃𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐛𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧.

The people who have fun dating also get ghosted, told off, stood up, and treated like crap. The difference is that they quickly end the interaction and move on, letting that experience roll off their backs.

There are assholes, deadbeats, and gold diggers out there. You will run into them. Don’t be surprised. Don’t take it personally.

More commonly, it’s just not the right match.

When something doesn’t work out, those who enjoy dating handle it differently internally. If it’s early on and the person loses interest, they shrug it off. It might sting, but they move on.

When it doesn’t work out after months or years, they handle any pain they feel in a healthy way. They appreciate the wonderful experiences they had with the person while it lasted. They look back on their time together fondly, not as a waste of time or a failure.

So many people have a wonderful relationship with cherished memories, and then define it by its ending.

Overall, those who enjoy dating define their dating life by the good times they have, don’t take rejection personally and get out of bad situations quickly.

𝟒. 𝐊𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐬𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧.

If you don’t want to get hurt again, don’t date. Ever again.

Forming a deep connection with someone involves vulnerability, and vulnerability involves the risk of pain.

Even if you meet your soulmate, you will occasionally hurt each other. And chances are one of you will die before the other.

Even the best relationships involve some pain.

If you keep your walls up, you will create surface-level, unfulfilling relationships. Doesn’t that hurt?

You will also repel most people who want a deep connection. Again, that’s its own form of pain.

Keeping your guard up doesn’t prevent you from getting hurt. It just changes the nature of the hurt.

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean letting people in right away. It means proceeding in good faith, without suspicion.

It’s healthy to wait to pursue a relationship until you’ve had the opportunity to get to know someone at a deep level.

Yes, “deep level” is subjective and will mean different things to different people. But while it’s unhealthy to jump into a relationship with any halfway decent human who is willing to commit to you, it’s also unhealthy to refuse to be vulnerable at all.

Waiting to get into a relationship doesn’t have to come from fear or suspicion. It can simply come from needing to know who it is you’re agreeing to be in a relationship with, which takes time.

When you do meet someone who seems right, go for it. Progress at whatever speed feels authentic to you. Definitely don’t dive in out of desperation, but don’t hold back out of fear either.

I find it helpful to consider what level of intimacy feels right to me based on how well I know someone.

I might feel a strong connection and know a lot about them based on our conversations, but have I seen their place? Do I know how they live? Have I seen the way they interact with family, friends, and strangers? Have I experienced them in low moments of disappointment, fear, or grief? Do I understand how they make decisions? What risks do they take?

Or, have I seen all the evidence I need that they are a good fit, but am tempted to hold off only because I don’t trust my judgment, or because “you never know”?

We all have to find the balance that’s right for us. Don’t assume that painful experiences are evidence that you were naive and should keep your guard up more next time. Learn whatever lessons you can, but acknowledge that sometimes even with the greatest care it still happens. You’re not supposed to know in advance, you’re only supposed to react accordingly once you do find out someone’s true colors.

𝟓. 𝐓𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 “𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤” 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠.

You’re not shallow if you aren’t feeling it with someone. Even if they’re an amazing person, if you’re not interested, let it go.

If you want a relationship, the goal isn’t to find a good person. The goal is the find the right person for you – true compatibility.

If you think someone could be a good match but there are red flags, hold off on getting into anything serious until you know whether the situation is healthy.

Definitely don’t try to make it work because you feel a strong connection and think they’ll change. Yes, some people change. Let that happen FIRST before you consider dating them. Yes, people who are changing need support. Support them as the acquaintance they are. Keep healthy boundaries.

Overall, a healthy relationship feels great. Yes, you get on each other’s nerves sometimes. Yes, there are rough patches. But those should be rare. If you have to “make things work” from early on, chances are it’s unhealthy.

When I first started dating I was horribly guilty of #5. In adulthood, I got better, but still made mistakes along the way. To this day, I have to remind myself not to settle when I meet someone who is ALMOST the right match, a wonderful person who is mostly compatible but not quite the right fit.

Which of these do you struggle with?

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𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸, 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘺 – 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺.

𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 4 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵. 𝘐𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥, 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦. 𝘋𝘔 “Stopped by Nothing” 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘺. ✅

Here’s one of my high-profile programs, feel free to check it out and then DM me about it!

Single Mom Fit to Thrive 30-Day Challenge.

I’m being triggered right now.

Triggers expose areas for growth. Things that, if addressed, make me a wiser, happier person.

They’re like trail markers guiding me to the summit.

Right now, as I write this, I think am being blown off by someone I am supposed to have a date with tonight.

We said we’d meet up this evening but didn’t nail down where or what time.

He texted me this morning. We chatted. I asked where he wanted to meet up. He mentioned he’s exhausted.

It’s 6:30 pm. Still no plans.

I could be wrong. He could be busy at work. In that case, I can explore why I so easily assumed that I was being rejected.

Whether I’m right or wrong, the way my mind is reacting right now is valuable.

I have a feeling of dread, and the little voice in the back of my head is attempting to replay our conversations to figure out where I went wrong.

We all have a little voice like that. I call it the Toddler Brain because that’s about how rational, mature, and helpful it is.

If I’m reading the situation right, that little voice has a feeling of DREAD because some guy I’ve never met lost interest after I said I don’t sleep with people on the first date. Toddler Brains have a tendency to overreact.

Am I reading the situation right, or am I assuming I’ll be rejected?

(I had to pause writing for a bit. Now it’s 9:18 pm and I definitely read it right. Bullet dodged.)

But back to triggers.

Triggers are habitual reactions.

Something happens. Our brain decides that it is similar enough to a negative emotional experience from our past that it fires up the same neural pathways, and we experience that emotion all over again.

Often it comes with memories of other events that have triggered that same emotional response.

Sometimes we reflexively repeat certain behaviors.

For me, it’s this feeling of dread of being rejected.

It’s memories of the boys in my elementary school cafeteria teasing each other:

“Nicole is your girlfriend!”

“Ewwww no she’s not!”

“You’re Nicole’s boyfriend? Gross!”

HOW INTERESTING THE HUMAN MIND IS!

Now, what do I do with this data?

(Yes, I view emotions and thoughts as data.)

I notice them. I marvel at how fascinating my mind is. The emotion keeps repeating, like waves coming in and going out. My mind flashes to times I’ve been painfully rejected by people I cared about, all across my life.

Clearly, I haven’t let go of my fear of rejection, which started in early childhood.

And…that’s it. Done.

What I used to do is let my Toddler Brain run the show.

“What did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that I don’t sleep with people on the first date. Am I to prude? What’s wrong with me? Am I going to die alone? I should text him again and try to fix it!”

I don’t even bother to argue back with my Toddler Brain anymore. It isn’t capable of realizing how utterly ridiculous it’s being.

“He hurt me! How can people do stuff like that?”

He can’t hurt me. I don’t care about him. Heck, for all I know he isn’t real.

My own habitual reaction was unpleasant. That’s all. Nobody hurt anybody.

I move on with my day, letting it ramble in the background.

I don’t swear off dating. I don’t think all men are assholes. I don’t put my guard way up or announce in my dating profile that if you want to have sex on the first date you should swipe the other way.

I DEFINITELY don’t text him again and try to fix whatever my Toddler Brain decides I did wrong.

What actually helps with a toddler tantrum is trying to understand her, being calm and present, or even doing nothing. Eventually, she’ll stop.

Along these lines, there are a few practices I can use to help myself now and to diminish this trigger over time.

My favorite is what I’ve already been doing. Just observe objectively. Don’t resist, and don’t feel any of the thoughts or feelings that arise. Super simple, takes no time out of my day and doesn’t require me to understand the origins of the trigger or anything.

Others are parts work and inner child work. Both are valuable. I’ll try one of them before bed.

Parts work and inner child work don’t naturally resonate with me. I resisted trying them because they feel silly. I naturally gravitate toward concrete, objective solutions. These involve using your imagination to trigger epiphanies and rewire your habitual reactions. Not my cup of tea, but every time I use them I have an epiphany.

Can’t argue with the results.

What are your triggers? What do you do about them?

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Welcome to the discussion, if you’re new. Don’t be shy – feel free to join in the discussion below or to message me privately.

I have three spots left to test my new program at a discount for those who are interested. It enables single parents and others in difficult situations to optimize their bodies and mind, get through difficult times, and create a life they enjoy. DM “Stopped by Nothing” to see if you qualify.

Here’s one of my high-profile programs; feel free to look it over and then DM me with any questions!

Single Mom Fit to Thrive 30-Day Challenge.

Ok, I need to rant.

’m sick of the narrative that single parents are doomed to live a life of hardship and misery, and if we have a spare moment we spend it crying about how lonely we are without a partner.

F$&@ that!

We can and deserve to strive for a life we love as much as anyone else.

We shouldn’t lower our standards.

No, we can’t do it the same way as others, but we can still get to the same place by taking a different path.

I’m finding that one of the most rebellious things I can do is love my life as a single mom.

Because that goes against the narrative.

Why is the idea of striving for anything more than survival so radical?

Don’t settle for less.

I get that if you’re at rock bottom even striving for survival can feel so overwhelming that it’s inconceivable to imagine aiming for more.

So if you’re there, by all means, take it one step at a time.

But once you’ve escaped the flames, keep going. Don’t get complacent.

Our lives don’t have to suck until we find a new partner.

By all means, if you want to get married again go for it. I do. But we still deserve to love our lives until we find that person.

Single parent survival groups are so important and valuable. But why was it so hard for me to find a community for single parents who are thriving?

I was terrified when my husband left me because I HAD NEVER HEARD A SINGLE ACCOUNT OF A DIVORCED MOM LOVING HER LIFE AS A SINGLE WOMAN.

So fellow single parents, please brag to me about how awesome your life is. I want to hear all the positivity you’ve got.

And if it’s not awesome at the moment, feel free to vent, and hopefully, find comfort in the stories of others who have been there and finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel.